Fall Nostalgia

Life is funny sometimes. We seem to want the wrong things, the wrong people, and the wrong choices.  I just started crying at the library when I heard this song on my playlist.

I heard it when I saw Boyhood, with a guy I met from online dating. In my mind,  the song and the movie are tied to Ben.  Like the song’s soft melancholia and gentleness, Ben is the same way. I’ve only known him for about 3 months now, but I can tell. He was a gentle soft disposition about him, almost in a way that makes you feel  comfortable around him. In short, Ben is perfect. He’s a super intellectual and introspective guy, has a passion for career in labor law that I know he’ll be successful in, and he has a kind heart. That’s rare.

We were lying in bed this weekend, and he took out his computer and started playing the corniest love songs to me, there in the dark.  I wish he’d been my first love.

No matter how hard I try, my heart is a stubborn bastard. I still think about Edward. Most of time his face elicits anger in me. But other times, when it’s 3 am as I am starting out to my ceiling, my insides gnaw out longing. I feel empty. Not because of him. The person I’ve made him out to be in my heart is  an illustion–a series of moments I shared with him disjointed pieced together. I know I don’t miss him the person.  No, I feel vacant because I lost a naive innocence with him–that childlike giddyness that makes you drunk with elation; the schoolgirl’s dreams are no more. All that is gone.  I am not a child anymore.  At least in my feelings about love. And I still haven’t worked out if it is tragic or not.


Reeling out of Control

Worse than a breakup is realizing that the person you cared for only thought it a mistake. Everything shatters, and the only one bleeding is you. The film roll unwinds and comes apart. Suddenly, the movie starring the two of you that’s been playing in your head stops. And you realize you’ve been starring in the saddest most pathetic movie of all time. There’s no lover, no reciprocity, no co-starr to balance you. You are a lunatic.

Reeling out of Control

Worse than a breakup is realizing that the person you cared for only thought it a mistake. Everything shatters, and the only one bleeding is you. The film roll unwinds and comes apart. Suddenly, the movie starring the two of you that’s been playing in your head stops. And you realize you’ve been starring in the saddest most pathetic movie of all time. There’s no lover, no reciprocity, no co-starr to balance you. You are a lunatic.

Getting Over, and Getting under

I’ve been wondering how long it takes to get over someone and if we can only get over them by meeting someone else. Are we constantly trying to put that person behind us, and when the next one we become entangled with does the trick, do we become caught in a cycle of ‘getting over and getting under’? 

 I recently met a guy in Charlottesville and we really hit it off. He’s attractive, funny, sociable and successful.

   I told my friends that it was a refreshing feeling to feel attracted to someone, do the flirting thing,etc because at one point in my life after I parted ways with someone special, I thought it would be a LONG time since I’d felt the need to be attracted to anyone.  

Anyways, this guy I met is also trying to get over someone. He was in a four year relationship, and now, only a few weeks later after the break up, he’s seeing me. When he told me his relationship recently ended, and I stalked his ex-girlfriend on facebook, I saw that it was indeed a long serious relationship–the kind that had pictures of them going on beach trips, and his family being friends with said ex-girlfriend on facebook. I don’t really want to talk about this with him, because it’s probably still fresh and he’s obviously rebounding with me.  I don’t know  how I feel being that ‘rebound girl’ yet, I certainly am not expecting his guy to be my boyfriend, nor do I want one. I guess it’s kinda nice helping someone deal with the pain of a break-up and knowing what you have with the person you’re seeing is something temporary. You support and lean on each other, in a way.

That aside, his story made me think about how easily we detach ourselves, or at least try to, from our ex-significant others. We go from seeing someone, imagining them on our everyday lives, to kissing a someone completely different,  because that’s the thing to do. Should there be a ‘mourning period’ in between the getting over and the getting under someone or does it not matter if we rebound? 

On picking up, and keeping (Good) Habits.

Mine this week include:
1. waking up and going to bed at a consistent hour, regardless if its the weekend! I’m not a freshman in college anymore and my body needs to start acting like it. It seems to think I’m still partying it up at frats until 2 and then eating horrible food. Same goes for taking naps. I hate napping.
2. replying to emails in a timely manner. Yeah, this one needs work. I will be that person to reply a week later and always in the first line profusely apologize.
3. checking my planner: I seem to go in cycles of being obsessed with it (i’ll start writing little doodles and using different colored pens) and then my planner will end up in the bottom of my bag untouched for a week.
4. If I pay for yoga, I need to go it! (this applies for anything I pay for. Like Groupon deals I seem to forget about). Yes, going to it sucks in the cold weather, and the thought of placing my mat next to a smelly sweaty old man scares me, but it has to be done.
5. calling my mother every other day.
6. Keeping up with to do lists instead of contemplating human existence as a form of procrastination.
7. Stop buying cute little things I don’t need! last week I bought a $12 bar of soap. I rationalized because it was made by Arab and Israeli women from this cooperative in the Middle East and it felt good to contribute to small scale cooperatives. But I need to stop going to the Ten Thousand Villagers store because I’ll probably buy $20 coffee from the people of Colombia next.

“You’re (almost) from the Seventies, but I’m a Nineties Chick”




Or he’s from 1983, and I am a 1991 baby, to be more exact.  Even a year ago, I knew of course this would most likely not work out. My rational brain rightfully told me this.  He’s established, and I am not. He wants to settle down in a couple of years, and I have no idea what I’m doing with my life most of the time. He’s an attorney, and I was an intern when I met him. Blah, blah, blah. 

But I fell for him, and no matter how much I told myself that it would never work out (it didnt, by the way), I still texted, teased, and chased him back. We were blurred lines. At times, co-workers sharing a cubicle barely saying hello despite sitting 3 feet away from each other.  Other times,  most definitely stepping out of work boundaries staying out until midnight, sharing too many drinks at happy hour and letting some kind of tension that bound us slowly build. He stared at me. Got closer. I remember the streetlights outside shone in the summer night. I was sure something would happen then.

But then nothing.

“You’re like the little sister I never I had”

I got on the bus, and he sat on a bench outside as the bus pulled away. 

The next day I’d pretend nothing happened. Pretended I was not agonizing and over-analyzing his gestures, his body language, and pathetically re-reading previous texts, hoping for some sign. “What do you want from me?” “Why are you jerking me around”, I’d want to say.But I was afraid to ask,  I was afraid this meant nothing to him, and he was bored.  July slowly faded, and we continued the dance– teasing texts. jokes in the office, going out for lunch. 

But inevitably, the tension broke and we found ourselves in the back of a taxi cab to my place one night. Our work happy-hour group forgotten.  It felt wonderful to have him in my life.. He continued to tease me, but it was different now. Everything was different. Sometimes we’d make food together, or he would cook dinner and we’d eat on the rooftop of his apartment. He shared his fears and I shared mine We watched movies. Went for gelato on 14th and P street.  Sat on park benches. Saw a couple getting engaged on the street. 

But summer was ending, and the time was an impending doom to me. We hugged at the Metro on Mcpherson in late August, and he told me we’d keep in touch, and that he’d always be there if I ever needed him but I was scared to lose him,.  I remember riding the Metro back to my house that night, somehow knowing that we’d had defintely parted ways, despite words of reassurance.  It was a void feeling, but one I knew I had to at some point,  feel. He was not for me.

 I finally came to grips to that reality, three months later when I stopped by his apartment this December. Somehow It seems like we delayed saying good-bye until now. 

I can’t be your friend, it hurts too much, I told him.  

“I’ll always be here for you, and you know where I live,” he said. 

He hugged me again, I put on my winter coat, and walked out of his house.  That night, I wished I said more, and I think we always want to say more in situations like this. Expressed more how we felt, maybe tell that person what exactly we think, how we (or they) could have acted differently. Slow down time. I wish I’d kissed him or given him a tight hug, wish I wore a different shade of lipgloss, or asked him if we could go see a movie on E street one last time. I knew he’d like the ones that were playing that weekend. I wish I told him I’d miss him.

But I didn’t, and I can’t agonize over the little things now. He wasn’t for me. So I said good-bye. 

My review of Dinner and a Movie with a little added ice/sleet and a Guy.

So I went on my first date after being emotionally strung (and still am) on a guy for about a year now.  I met Dom at our friend Sean’s party thing last week on Thanksgiving.  I don’t remember him too much from the party, except that he’s in college and in a frat (he was in the Army for seven years before this).  As  I was leaving the party, he told me he wanted to hang out  the following week, etc.  After friend requests and brief messages later, we had agreed on a movie.  I told iCarly ( my other half) I was a little ambivalent about dinner with a guy, especially since I was not over He Who Shall not be Named, but I figured it’d be more of a hang out not a date anyways.  So Sunday rolled around, and I was ready to cancel on Dom because of the sleet.   Using the impending sleet/snow/awful weather as an excuse to cancel an hour before would have been the perfect way of getting out of my date with him. But alas, his “Hey it’s Dom! meet up at 415?” had me going to D.C amidst the freezing rain and line of traffic slowed down to an alarming 40 MPH on 395.  Once I got there, I figured I’d at least try to look nice so I pulled into the parking lot 10 minutes before and quickly did my make-up before meeting him upstairs at the theatre.  

Now I haven’t been on tons of movie dates in the past (I was a closeted nerd throughout my high school years and I guess at UVA I didn’t attract males for some reason.) but I learned that the rule for movie dates with guys, especially first dates, is this: Never pick a romantic movie whatsoever.  Regardless of how you feel about said particular guy, seeing sex/love/romance scenes sitting next to a person you could potentially be doing all three with adds a little tension and not to mention awkwardness between the said two parties.  

 So obviously, Dom and I found ourselves seeing Dallas Buyers Club, a movie set in the ‘80s just after the AIDS epidemic outbreak in which people diagnosed were grappling with social stigma  and lack of medication available. iCarly knows I love these types of films so I would soo recommend it to anyone.  Matthew McConohay, Jennifer Gardner and Jared Leto are perfect throughout the movie, and I love that the story had an unconventional hero who at first comes across as a homophobic Texas cowboy, refusing to believe he has AIDS because it’s a disease only gay people get.  The movie also explores how difficult it was to obtain approved drugs  at the time when the NIH and FDA were  painfully slow in approving antiviral medications and clinical trials for AIDS ( this is would interest you iCarly! They talked sciency stuff about peptides and protein and Tcells…).

After the movie, I kind of wanted to go home but I did feel like it would have been rude to say no to dinner when Dom also had an hour to go back home to Alexandria. We managed to find a place to eat nearby (metroed to Chinatown). Turns out, Dom is also around 30 (Note to self: I need to stop finding guys this age) because he was in the Army for about seven years and was stationed in Bagdad for about two years. I’m not too familiar about the Army or the lifestyle it demands, so most of the date had me asking him about his life as a soldier and the different projects he was assigned. When we hit some awkward pauses towards the end, I was glad I could go back and talk about things we had in common (like being connected to our friend Sean).   Overall, I would say that I would definitely consider Dom a friend  but nothing beyond that. I made sure to pay for my dinner, and told him he didn’t have to walk me to my car in an effort to make our date non-date(y). We made some small talk on the metro ride back to Metro Center but as I was leaving, he said he’d like to see me again and apolygized if he seemed awkward at times.  Super sweet guy!

I told him WE (implying all of our friends, not just the two of us) should hang out again for New Years and then parted ways with him.  I do want to hang out him again, but I know I am not attracted to him and would only consider him a good friend. Hopefully we can be that, because I think hanging out with a group would be nice. 

More Quotes :-)

nelson mandela 3

nelson mandela 5

So Steffi is more into writing than I am but I love her so I am gonna *try* to do posts too. They will probably have way less depth than hers but hopefully they’ll still be entertaining to read.
That being said, I haven’t done anything too exciting recently so I’ll just copy Steffi and post more quotes. Pinterest (I am obsessed with that website and go on it wayyy too much) had a whole category today honoring Nelson Mandela. I love all his quotes. So inspiring (Steffi’s word but it worked).